- [ˈfren(d)· SHip]
NOUN
- the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends:"old ties of love and friendship" · "this is an ideal group for finding support and friendship"
- a relationship between friends:"she formed close friendships with women"
- a state of mutual trust and support
between allied nations:
Truth time: I just turned 45. (I know, right?!?!) As I get older, I have become [much more] introspective, and have started to recognize the different types of friends I have. I have to say, I'm pretty lucky.
(My best friend Brandi and I on a birthday weekend in Port Townsend...she's the ostrich, and I'm the goat.)
I have spent a lot of time in my adult life searching for true friendship. It comes in so many forms, from the people you meet through church, work, or school, the people you meet through other friends, the people you meet through your KIDS (make no mistake, Mom friends are HARD to find, but so worth it), and so on. Finding someone whose values align with yours, with whom you have interests in common, and who lifts you up and adds to your life in positive ways...those individuals are gold.
I've had lots of "friends" in my life, and I've lost lots of friends too. I put the term "friend" in quotations because, in all honesty, there are different levels of friendship. I've seen diagrams depicting friendship, read articles describing friendship, and personally experienced different types of friendship, too. The blog, SocialSelf.com, posted an article called The Four Levels of Friendship (According to Science) - this is how they describe each level:
- Acquaintances: These are people you recognize and who recognize you. You may chat with them occasionally, know some basic facts about them, and make small talk. Acquaintances are polite and friendly when they happen to meet, but they don’t make plans to see one another. For example, if you’ve met someone at the library on several occasions and chatted about books without making firm plans to see each other again, they would be considered an acquaintance.
- Casual Friends: Casual friends enjoy one another’s company and usually make plans to meet up. Unlike acquaintances, casual friends go beyond shallow topics during conversations. They tend to go beneath the surface and share slightly more personal things. A casual friend might share that they don’t like their coworkers much and are thinking of looking for a new job. However, at this stage, you don’t share sensitive personal information or open up about delicate or controversial topics. For example, you probably wouldn’t tell a casual friend about your relationship problems.
- Close Friends: At this level, two people feel and show meaningful affection and concern for one another. Compared to casual friends, close friends usually want to see each other more often and offer more emotional support. You both feel able to reach out to each other at any time; you are happy to help one another in times of need; You have a mutual sense of respect and appreciation; You both feel comfortable showing your true selves; neither of you feels a need to put on a “mask” or persona; You ask one another for advice because you have faith in each other’s judgment; You invite each other to important celebrations and events, such as birthdays, graduation parties, etc.; You are slow to judge one another. You don’t always approve of each other’s choices or opinions, but you try to empathize and understand rather than criticize or condemn. (Research shows it takes around 200 hours of quality contact time to build a close friendship!)
- Intimate Friends: An intimate friendship is similar to a close friendship. Intimate friends trust, accept, and support one another. However, an intimate friendship involves an even deeper sense of connection. With an intimate friend, very few topics are off-limits; you might feel able to talk about anything and everything. The friendship feels safe and familiar. Another term for an intimate friend is “best friend.”
As kids, all we want is to have a "BEST FRIEND." As a little girl, I remember the coolest thing about having my first friend was buying each other friendship necklaces with two halves that make up a whole heart, or making friendship bracelets out of colored embroidery floss. (Not gonna lie, I have a friend today who loves the matching friend things...apparently some of us never grow out of that! I feel seen!)
As adults, it's so much more challenging to find people with whom we have a true connection. And even with that real connection, there is a continual need to feed that relationship to keep it alive! Not unlike marriage, true relationships aren't just about matching jewelry...there's a lot of work involved!!
I try to be a good friend. My nature is one of nurturing, caring and building up...sometimes that's just a conversation, sometimes it's a random "thinking of you" token like flowers, and sometimes I go over the top to make sure my friends know how much they are loved. I'm an empath, I feel all the things, and I am hyper-aware of how I make others feel...a blessing and a curse, sometimes.
There have been a lot of years where I felt let down by the friends I thought I had. Birthdays have come and gone without notice. Bridal and baby showers were ill-attended. Post-surgery meal trains had little to no response/follow-through. When I was sick with Covid last summer, I had a couple friends promise to come by with sustenance for my family while I was unable to provide, and then never showed. And recently, a friend of over 30 years decided that she didn't agree with some of my choices and was tired of not being able to change me into the person she thought I should be, so she ended that friendship...over email. That hurt, and it made me [re]realize that not all friends are created equal. And once again, I found myself thinking about the true nature of friendship.
Honestly, I'm not sure where the idea to write about this came from, other than last weekend for my 45th birthday, my husband and I, my best girlfriend, and her husband got away for a night to Port Townsend, WA for a celebration. WE HAD A BLAST! Shannon was not feeling well, but rallied for the night, and we visited a couple of places I have wanted to go but had never been (PSA: Finnriver Farms & Cidery in Chimacum - 15 minutes outside of Port Townsend - is a RAD place to visit...although next time, we'll try for a less rainy day so we can enjoy the entire farm, instead of the plastic covered picnic area). We stayed in a cute little inn on the water - I didn't know until after we'd checked in that this is where An Officer and a Gentlemen was filmed...they even have a sign on the door to the room used in the film denoting its fame. We had a fabulous dinner at Nicko's Grotto, and drinks at Sirens Pub afterwards. Cribbage, conversation, laughs, drinks, good food, and a beautiful place to just be together...it was perfect! And it made me think that maybe, at 45 years old, I'm finally feeling what it's like to have intimate friends!
So I'll leave you with a picture of me with some of my tribe...my people...my friends. It's a wonderful feeling to have these people to share my life with!
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